Co-parenting is rarely easy, but for survivors of domestic abuse, it can be one of the most complex and emotionally taxing experiences they face. According to recent studies, approximately 23.5% of divorces specifically cite domestic violence as a major contributing factor. The reality is that many survivors are left not only healing from abuse, but also trying to co-parent with the very person who caused them harm.
How the Abuse May Continue After Separation: Things to Watch Out For
Unfortunately, for many survivors, the abuse doesn’t stop when the relationship ends — it evolves. Abusers often use co-parenting and their children as tools to continue to control and intimidate their ex-partners. Recognizing these patterns is essential for protecting yourself and your children. Some common tactics abusers may use post-separation include:
Extracting Information
Abusers may question children about the victim’s whereabouts, plans, or routines to monitor them. They might even give children tracking devices hidden in electronics or toys. What seems like casual curiosity can be a calculated effort to maintain control.
Undermining the Victim
Abusers frequently speak badly about the victim to the children, creating confusion, fear, and loyalty conflicts. Children may be told their victim parent is crazy, evil, or the reason their family fell apart.
Legal Harassment
Courts are often weaponized through repeated petitions for custody or schedule changes, forcing the victim to endure further emotional and financial stress.
Using Wealth to Win Favor
Abusers may lavish children with expensive gifts, potentially while also refusing to pay child support, creating a false narrative of generosity and painting the victim as “stingy” or “mean.”
Manipulating the Children into Continuing the Abuse
Children may be threatened to keep secrets or even manipulated into participating in abusive behaviors. Abusers may reward children for insulting or harming the victim parent, reinforcing toxic behavior.
Neglecting or Harming Children
To cause emotional pain to the victim, an abuser may neglect, mistreat, or even harm the children during visits. This could include skipping meals, withholding medication, or sending them home with injuries or psychological distress.
Tips for Co-Parenting With an Abuser
While it may feel overwhelming, it is possible to co-parent while protecting your safety and the well-being of your children. Read on for some practical strategies and resources to help you navigate this difficult—but—not—impossible situation.
Safety First
Above all, the safety of you and your children must come first. If your ex-partner has a history of violence or threatening behavior, think about creating a comprehensive safety plan. This may include:
- Making custody exchanges in neutral locations (like a school or daycare)
- Bringing a trusted person to supervise exchanges
- Requesting police presence during high-risk interactions
If you fear for your children’s safety when they are alone with your ex-partner, consult your legal team immediately. If there is evidence that your ex-partner is unfit or poses a danger, you may be able to pursue limited or revoked parental rights through legal channels. The law is on your side, but documentation and guidance from a qualified attorney are key.
Additionally, think about having age-appropriate conversations with your children about what abuse looks like, how to recognize it, and what to do if they ever feel unsafe. You’re not alone—school counselors, therapists, and legal advocates can help guide these conversations.
Use a Co-Parenting App
When dealing with an abusive ex, communication can become a source of manipulation or distress. Co-parenting apps like OurFamilyWizard or TalkingParents are a potential solution. These platforms allow for documented, timestamped communication and built-in tools for scheduling and expense tracking, allowing for streamlined communication.
Create a Clear and Detailed Parenting Plan
A thorough parenting plan can reduce ambiguity and help avoid unnecessary conflict. Collaborate with a legal or mediation professional to ensure your plan covers:
- Custody schedules
- Holidays, vacations, and special occasions
- How to handle illness (yours, your child’s, or the other parent’s)
- Guidelines for late or missed exchanges
- Specific needs for children with disabilities or special requirements
The more detailed the plan, the fewer opportunities your ex will have to manipulate or exploit gray areas. Organizations like Iowa Legal Aid offer free or reduced-cost legal resources.
Set Firm Boundaries and Limit Contact
Abusers often seek to maintain control through ongoing conflict. Don’t take the bait. Set clear, firm boundaries around communication—limit it strictly to child-related topics and keep it brief and neutral. This is where the co-parenting apps mentioned earlier can help out! If your ex veers into abusive or off-topic conversation, stop responding and document the behavior. When possible, avoid verbal exchanges. Written communication offers a tangible record that can be used in court if necessary.
Choose Safe Custody Exchange Locations
Avoid high-conflict, emotionally charged exchanges. Use neutral locations, such as schools, community centers, or public libraries. If there is a history of escalation, consider exchanging outside of police stations or fire stations, as the presence of law enforcement can help ensure a safe and peaceful exchange.
Seek Support
You don’t have to do this alone. Connect with a local domestic violence advocate (call our 24/7/365 hotline at 1-800-228-1625), join a support group for survivors of domestic violence, seek out a therapist who specializes in trauma and family dynamics, or lean on trusted friends or family members who can offer emotional and logistical support.
Co-parenting with an abuser can be difficult, but with the right tools, boundaries, and support, it is possible to protect your peace and your children’s well-being. If you or someone you know needs help, call our 24/7/365 hotline at 1-800-228-1625.
