Domestic violence (also referred to as intimate partner violence (IPV), dating abuse, or relationship abuse) is a pattern of behaviors used by one partner to maintain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship. At DVIP & RVAP, our frame of reference for describing abuse is the Power and Control Wheel, created by Domestic Abusive Intervention Programs.

Anyone can be victims — or perpetrators — of domestic violence.

Understanding how abuse occurs and intersects can help you safely respond to situations. Below are some ways to identify the different types of abuse.

Physical abuse: Physical abuse involves the use of physical violence, or threats of it, to maintain power over an individual. You might be experiencing physical abuse if your partner has or repeatedly does any of the following abusive behaviors:

• Pull your hair or punch, slap, kick, bite, choke, or smother you.
• Forbid or prevent you from eating or sleeping.
• Use weapons against you, including firearms, knives, bats, or mace.
• Prevent you from contacting emergency services, including medical attention or law enforcement.
• Harm your children or pets.
• Drive recklessly or dangerously with you in the car or abandon you in unfamiliar places.
• Force you to use drugs or alcohol, especially if you have a history of substance abuse.
• Trapping you in your home or preventing you from leaving.
• Throw objects at you.
• Prevent you from taking prescribed medication or deny you necessary medical treatment.

Sexual abuse: Sexual abuse is when a partner controls the physical and sexual intimacy in a relationship. This often involves acting in a way that is non-consensual and forced. You might be experiencing sexual abuse if your partner has or repeatedly does any of the following:

• Make you dress in a sexual way you’re uncomfortable with.
• Insult you in sexual ways or call you explicit names.
• Force or manipulate you into having sex or performing sexual acts, especially when you’re sick, tired, or physically injured from their abuse.
• Strangle you or restrain you during sex without your consent.
• Hold you down during sex without your consent.
• Hurt you with weapons or objects during sex.
• Involve other people in your sexual activities against your will.
• Ignore your feelings regarding sex.
• Force you to watch or make pornography.
• Intentionally give you or attempt to give you a sexually transmitted infection.
• Implying that you owe them something sexually in exchange for previous actions, gifts, or consent.
• Giving you drugs or alcohol to “loosen up” your inhibitions.
• Using your relationship status as leverage, including by demanding sex as a way to “prove your love” or by threatening to cheat or leave.
• Reacting with sadness, anger, or resentment if you say no or don’t immediately agree to something, or trying to normalize their sexual demands by saying that they “need” it.
• Continuing to pressure you after you say no or intimidating you into fearing what will happen if you say no.

Emotional abuse: Emotional abuse includes non-physical behaviors that are meant to control, isolate, or frighten someone. You may be in an emotionally- or verbally abusive relationship if your partner attempts to exert control by:

• Calling you names, insulting you, or constantly criticizing you.
• Acting jealous or possessive and refusing to trust you
• Isolating you from family, friends, or other people in your life because it makes someone easier to control.
• Monitoring your activities with or without your knowledge, including demanding to know where you go, who you contact, and how you spend your time.
• Attempting to control what you wear, including clothes, makeup, or hairstyles.
• Humiliating you in any way, especially in front of others.
• Gaslighting you by pretending not to understand or refusing to listen to you; questioning your recollection of facts, events, or sources; trivializing your needs or feelings; or denying previous statements or promises.
• Threatening you, your children, your family, or your pets (with or without weapons).
• Damaging your belongings, including throwing objects, punching walls, kicking doors, etc.
• Blaming you for their abusive behaviors.
• Accusing you of cheating, or cheating themselves and blaming you for their actions.
• Cheating on you to intentionally hurt you and threatening to cheat again to suggest that they’re “better” than you.
• Telling you that you’re lucky to be with them and that you’ll never find someone better.

Economic/Financial Abuse: Financial abuse occurs when an abusive partner extends their power and control into your financial situation. Below are ways to identify the different types of abuse in your relationship pertaining to financial abuse. You may be in a financially abusive relationship if your partner attempts to exert control by:

• Providing an allowance and closely monitoring how you spend it, including demanding receipts for purchases.
• Depositing your paycheck into an account you can’t access.
• Preventing you from viewing or accessing bank accounts.
• Stopping you from working, limiting the hours that you can work, getting you fired, or forcing you to work certain types of jobs.
• Maxing out your credit cards without permission, not paying credit card bills, or otherwise harming your credit score.
• Stealing money from you, your family, or your friends.
• Withdrawing money from children’s savings accounts without your permission.
• Living in your home but refusing to work or contribute to the household.
• Forcing you to provide them with your tax returns or confiscating joint tax returns.
• Refusing to provide money for necessary or shared expenses like food, clothing, transportation, medical care, or medicine.

Potentially Dangerous

• Pinching
• Pushing/Shoving/Jerking/Pulling/Shaking
• Restraining
• Slapping
• Pulling hair
• Ignoring feelings.
• Withholding approval as punishment
• Repeated humiliation, in public or in private
• Blaming you for all faults
• Labeling or Name-Calling: “Crazy, bitch, whore”
• Puts down abilities as a worker, parent, lover, etc.
• Looking at and making jokes about women as sexual objects
• Extreme jealousy
• Minimizing sexual feelings and needs, sexual criticism
• Joking about the role of women

Dangerous

• Threatening violence
• Threatens to abuse children or take children
• Hitting, punching, or kicking
• Throwing objects
• Forcing sexual touch
• Forcing you to strip in front of others
• Forcing you to watch sex with others
• Isolating you from friends and family
• Economic dependence (getting you fired, taking your money, etc.)

Highly Dangerous

• Choking
• Threatening to kill you or your children
• Holding hostage
• Actions that cause broken bones, internal injuries, or anytime medical treatment is needed
• Using knives, guns, or other weapons.
• Forcing sex
• Use of objects or weapons in a sexual way
• Deprives you of food, sleep, medicine, or health care
• Kills or injures pets
• Commits incest or child abuse

Positive Signs That They Are Changing

• Your partner has stopped being violent or threatening to you or others.
• Your partner acknowledges that their abusive behavior is wrong and is their responsibility.
• Your partner understands that they do not have the right to control and dominate you.
• You don’t feel afraid when you are with your partner.
• Your partner does not try to coerce you into having sex when you don’t want to.
• You can express anger toward your partner without feeling intimidated.
• Your partner does not make you feel responsible for their anger or frustration.
• Your partner respects your opinion even if they don’t agree with it.
• Your partner respects your right to say “no”.
• You can negotiate without being humiliated and belittled by your partner.
• You don’t have to ask permission to go out, go to school, or take other independent actions.
• Your partner listens to you and respects what you have to say.
• Your partner communicates honestly and does not try to manipulate you.
• Your partner recognizes that they are not “cured” and that changing their behavior, attitudes, and beliefs is a life-long process.
• Your partner no longer does _______________________ (fill in the blank with any behavior that preceded their violence, manipulation, or emotional abuse).

Warning Signs and Manipulation

Old habits die hard. Your partner’s abusive behavior is rooted in a desire to control the relationship, and that pattern isn’t going to change overnight. Your partner may no longer be violent, but they may still try to exert control by manipulating you into doing what they want.

Here are some manipulative behaviors

• Tries to invoke sympathy from you or family and friends.
• Is overly charming; reminds you of all the good times you’ve had together.
• Tries to buy you back with romantic gifts, dinners, flowers, etc.
• Tries to seduce you when you’re vulnerable.
• Uses veiled threats — to take the kids away, cut off financial support, etc.
• Promises to change don’t match their behavior. You may be so hopeful for change, yet don’t feel any different when you are with them. Trust your instincts. If you don’t feel safe, then chances are, you’re not.

You may not be safe if

• Your partner tries to find you if you’ve left.You may leave at a time of crisis to feel safer. Your partner may try to get information from your family and friends regarding your whereabouts, either by threatening them or trying to gain their sympathy.
• Your partner tries to take away the children.They may try to kidnap the children as a way of forcing you to stay with them.
• Your partner stalks you.If you always seem to run into your partner when you are on your way to work, running errands or out with friends, or if you receive lots of mysterious phone calls, your partner could be stalking you.

Reprinted and adapted from materials developed by the Texas Council on Family Violence for the Battering Intervention and Prevention Project of the Community Justice Assistance Division of the Texas Department of Criminal Justice.

Believe and support them. Your support can make a large difference in their healing. Learn more about how to respond to a disclosure about domestic violence here.

DVIP & RVAP provides free, confidential services to all persons affected by domestic violence and their loved ones. For more information, or questions call 1.800.373.1043.